


Intergalactic Diplomacy

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Bad Fic, F/M, Humor, M/M, Pre-Slash, Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-22
Updated: 2006-05-22
Packaged: 2019-02-02 02:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12718011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: SG-1 has their own brand of diplomacy.





	Intergalactic Diplomacy

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: I'm not sure if this qualifies as badfic, crackfic or parody, but it is supposed to be funny. (Please lord, let it be funny!) It's sort of J/D pre-slash, Teal'c/Every Woman, and Sam/Surprise. Rated teen for innuendo and naughty artifacts. This story started months ago in the "caption this picture" thread at Our Stargate and rapidly grew out of control.   


* * *

Colonel Jack O’Neill hurried into the commissary and made a beeline for the desserts. It was only 10:00 a.m. – too early for lunch and waaaaaay too early for sweets, but he had a craving that he couldn’t ignore. He knew, because he had tried to ignore it. Really, he had. He tried to concentrate on typing up his report on the latest mission, but all he could think about was pie. When he looked at the last sentence he’d typed and read ‘However, the Tok’ra as usual pie pie pie pie pie’ he gave up, gave in, and went straight off for pie. 

Oooooh, and such a selection of pies to choose from today. Dutch apple with the crumb topping. Cherry with the lattice crust. Granted, the blueberry looked a little flat and tired. But there, at the back of the shelf, one giant piece of lemon meringue towered over the others. Choice made, he snapped up the meringue, grabbed a fork and sat at the nearest table. He plunged his fork straight through the tip of glistening white and neon yellow monstrosity. Slowly, reverently he lifted the fork up toward his mouth, salivating in anticipation. MMmmmmmmmm, pie! The sharp tones of the tannoy system rudely interrupted his reverie.

* Attention! SG-1 please report to the briefing room immediately! All members of SG-1 report to the briefing room immediately! *

Jack paused, mouth open, fork hanging in midair. He quivered with indecision. The meringue just quivered. SG-1 had no missions scheduled for at least a week. He hadn’t heard any gate activations, either. They had the debriefing for the latest mission shortly after returning yesterday and the written reports weren’t due until 5:00 p.m. today. What could be so urgent? Surely he had time to eat his pie before heading off to the briefing room, right? Right?

Muttering a curse, he let the untouched fork fall back on the plate with the pie. He stomped out of the commissary, turned around, stomped back in, snatched up the plate, and stomped back out once more. 

_____ 

File folders, reports, artifacts, and coffeecups in varying stages of decay nearly covered the top of Daniel’s desk. The computer screen in front of him had long since gone into screen saver mode, hiding his half-written mission report. In one hand, he held a 3,000 year old female figurine of Helflebadia Goddess of Grain from P3X-839. In the other hand he held an 800 year old male figurine of unknown designation from P2P-304. Two other figures lay on the desktop in front him. One looked like a mythical beast with multiple limbs, scales, and lots of pointy teeth. The third, while humanoid, sported an erection nearly as big as the figure itself. 

Daniel wiggled the Helflebadia figurine as he spoke in a high-pitched voice. “Oh, Dr. Jackson! How can I ever thank you for saving me from that horrible creature!” 

He dropped his voice an octave and wiggled the male figure in his other hand. “Really, Princess, Jack’s not that bad once you get to know him. And please, call me Daniel”

Back up an octave, Helflebadia moved closer to the male figure “Tee hee! Oh, Daniel! You know I meant how you and you alone saved me from the Beast. You are as witty as you are handsome and strong! And Smart!” Helflebadia nodded toward the priapic male figure on the desk. “I like you so much better than the Colonel, even if he does have warm brown eyes, a sexy smile, big manly hands, and a great ass. You are way smarter than him. Smart makes me hot! Take me Dr. Jackson! Take me now!” 

Daniel mashed the priceless artifacts together, making kissy moany noises. 

“Oh, Daniel!”

“Oh, Princess!” 

“Oh, Daniel! Do me! ”

“Yes, Princess! I will DO you!”

“Oh, Daniel ! Touch my manhood!!” 

“Oh, YES! Take me, Jack! Take me NOW!” 

The two figurines thumped to the desktop. The Daniel figure landed directly on top of the Jack figure’s giant boner. Daniel blinked several times, mouth agape. What the hell? “Take me, _Jack_ ”? Where had THAT come from??

Just then the tannoy clicked to life ordering all members of SG-1 to report to the briefing room immediately. Normally, Daniel’s interpretation of ‘immediate’ involved at least one PA announcement, two phone calls to his office and one exasperated Colonel sent to fetch him personally. For once he was glad of the distraction and raced out of the room. 

____ 

Jack sauntered down the corridor. So far there’d only been one PA announcement. Depending on how entrenched into his work Daniel was, there’d be at least two phone calls requesting his presence, maybe three. There should be plenty of time for Jack to eat the pie before he was finally sent to roust Daniel out of his office.

Stepping into the briefing room, Jack nodded at Samantha Carter and Teal’c sitting on one side of the table, “Major, Teal’c” then nodded at Daniel sitting on the other side. Daniel? Already here? Huh. That was unusual. It also meant there’d be no time to eat pie, dammit. 

General Hammond stood at the head of table, very pointedly looking at the plate in Jack’s hand. “Colonel. If you can tear yourself away from dessert for a minute, perhaps you wouldn’t mind joining this _urgent mandatory_ meeting.” 

Crap. Hammond sounded cranky. 

“As you know,” continued the General, “all video footage is reviewed, categorized and catalogued before being archived after each mission. The archive team has brought a certain video disc to my attention. SG-1 was _supposed_ to be on a diplomatic mission. You were _supposed_ to be attending an intergalactic conference of allies. You, the Tok’ra, the Free Jaffa, and the Asgard were _supposed_ to be discussing the Goa’uld threat. You were all _supposed_ to be sharing best practices, exploring existing synergies and developing new paradigms for dealing with that threat. Now, I don’t know what in the Sam Hill you people were thinking, but I’m sure your objectives didn’t include any of the following.” 

With that, Hammond flicked off the lights, sat down and picked up the remote for the audio-visual system. Behind him, the screen slid down covering the star map and the video started. 

_Sam, wearing her dress blues, sat at a table. It looked as though she was on the set of a game show. A really cheap gameshow whose set decorating budget ran into the tens of dollars, if that much. Cheesy upbeat music played as a voice cheerfully announced, “Samantha Carter, you’ve chosen Bachelor Number Three! He likes yellow nutritional squares, snarky Earth Colonels, and calculating the square roots of base fifteen prime numbers. In his spare time, he likes to kick a little Replicator butt. Meet THOR! Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet!”_

_There was a smattering of applause from an unseen audience as Thor stepped out from behind a screen to join Sam. “Major Carter, I wish to thank you for choosing me to be your Mystery Date. It has been, as you would say, amusing to participate in this re- creation of a Tauri cultural tradition. I am very much looking forward to the associated traditions of The Date and The Morning After Breakfast.”_

_Sam gave Thor a naughty smile. “Don’t forget The Hot Steamy Sex.”_

“What!?” Jack had watched the screen getting more and more angry. “You two-timing,   
unfaithful –“

“Sir!” protested Sam. “I am not a two-timer! You and I have never –“

“Not you, Carter,” interrupted Jack. “Thor! That cheating bastard! He’s been cozying up to me for years, even named a ship after me, then BAM! He runs off with you for hot sex and breakfast.”

“Well maybe if you’d put out once in a while, you’d be the one engaged to him, instead of me,” she retorted. 

“Put out? How could I put OUT? He’s got nothing to put in TO!” Jack paused “Hey, wait a second. He hasn’t got any dangly bits either. How did you two…you know...do it? Hey! What do mean, engaged?”

Sam crossed her arms and frowned at him. “I mean engaged as in engaged. We’re planning a Fall wedding. We’re thinking October.” 

“Fall, huh? Did you pick that because everyone will think the reason you’re not wearing white is because it’s after Labour Day?” sneered Jack. 

“Colonel! Major! Enough of this!” General Hammond glared at them both from his chair at the head of the table. “Now, Major I want you to explain this…this…game show.”

“Well, the three bachelors were a Tok’ra, a Jaffa and an Asgard. But every time I asked a question of the Tok’ra he just whimpered and said ‘I know what happened to Martouf’. All the Jaffa ever said was ‘Silence, woman!’ or ‘First you must prove your worth in battle’ so really Bachelor Number Three was the only decent choice.” 

Hammond counted slowly to five. “I meant, can you explain how this game show fit in with your mission objectives?”

Sam nodded. “Certainly!” she said cheerfully. “Objective number three – encourage a better understanding of current Tauri culture, customs, and society among our allies.”

“And for that you rigged up a game show?” Hammond opened his mouth, shut it, and squared his shoulders. “Moving on,” he said and hit the fast forward.

_The screen changed to pictures of Teal’c at the reception the first evening of the conference. More precisely, Teal’c with a woman at the reception. Make that Teal’c with lots of women at the reception. Sometimes in bunches of two or three, sometimes singly. Each time, within minutes of hooking up Teal’c and the woman (or women) would drift off down the corridor where the private quarters were. Eventually Teal’c and his partner(s) would reappear. Teal’c looked as dapper and debonair as he did at the start of the evening. The women all looked rumpled, tired, and exceedingly happy. Within minutes, Teal’c would be surrounded by a fresh batch of women and begin the drift down the corridor again._

Teal’c spoke up right away. “As you can see, General Hammond, I have done my utmost to further diplomatic relations with our allies. I believe I was able to firmly establish a bond between our peoples” 

“Oh, really,” snorted Hammond. “You think these women won’t change their allegiance now that you aren’t there with them?”

“Once you go with Teal’c of Chulak you do not return to the place from which you came.”

“Um, T, that should be ‘Once you go Chulak you never go back’.”

“That is, in fact, what I said O’Neill.” 

“Ya know, ‘smug’ is not a good look for you” groused Jack. 

“Nor is ‘sour grapes’ a good look for you O’Neill” 

Jack thought that smirking looked as bad on Teal’c as smug did, but damned if he’d say it out loud. 

“Okay, people, moving on.” Hammond hit the remote once more. 

_The video was stuck on fast forward, turning into a montage of Jack approaching various women at the reception. Each time there would be some words exchanged, then the woman would frown, gasp, or look appalled then walk away. Twice the woman slapped  
him first. _

_The video finally slowed to normal play and the sound could be heard. Jack sidled up to a short brunette wearing typical Tok’ra style clothing (aka ragged mismatched moth- eaten remnants slapped together at random). The woman spoke first. “You are O’Neill of the Tauri. I am Es’me of the Tok’ra ”_

_“Pleased to meetcha, Emmy. What say we go back to my room for some hot monkey  
sex?”_

_“What?” Es’me was clearly startled._

_“Hey, you’ve got a snake in your head, I’ve got a snake in my pants. It’s like we were destined for each other!”_

_Es’me looked at him in disgust and walked away._

_“Crap.” Jack downed his drink in one gulp and snagged another from a passing waiter. “I swear to God , if I don’t get laid soon I’m gonna go postal.” He looked around then headed toward a tall Tok’ra with short blonde hair. She was wearing a green jacket over the usual Tok’ra tan clothes._

_As he got closer he could see she looked a little teary eyed. “Hey. Are you okay?”_

_She dabbed at her big blue eyes with a tiny hankie the same olive green as her jacket. “I’m fine. It’s just that I broke up with my boyfriend after two hundred years together.”_

_“I’m sorry to hear that.” Jack paused for about a millisecond. “How about some meaningless sex with a stranger to make you feel better?”_

_“Okay. But do you mind if I call you Tar’iq?”_

_“Well, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full, but sure. You can call me whatever you like, as long as we’re naked and doin’ it at the time.” Jack looked at her short blond hair, her blue eyes, and her olive drab jacket. She was almost as tall as he was. “Do you mind if I call you Danielle? I don’t suppose you have any eyeglasses you could wear?”_

There were gasps throughout the briefing room. Jack turned bright red as everyone turned to stare at him. Hammond looked astonished. Sam looked grim. Teal’c narrowed his eyes and Jack could swear he heard a faint growl. Daniel looked slightly puzzled. 

“Jack?” 

Jack cleared his throat anxiously. “Yes, Daniel?”

“Was Danielle the name of an old girlfriend?”

Everyone turned to stare at Daniel. Hammond blinked a couple of times, then sighed and patted Daniel on the shoulder. “Never mind, Son,” he said kindly. 

Hammond continued, “People, your behaviour at this conference was not at ALL –“

“Hey! What about Daniel! You can’t yell at us yet. We didn’t see what HE did”

“Actually, Jack, I found the conference really fascinating. There was a great deal of interest in languages. I’d like to see about establishing a linguistic center staffed with representatives of each of our allies. Imagine how many languages we could have access to if we pooled our resources like that!” 

“Son, what makes you think they’d be interested in a linguistic center?”

“Well, at the reception, most of the women and quite a few of the men approached me with questions about language. In fact, I spent much of the evening translating phrases for everyone. Many of the phrases were similar, so I was thinking that the first project the linguistic center could develop would be a book with common simple phrases translated into multiple languages.” 

Jack looked at Daniel, then looked at Hammond. “General, what kind of common   
phrases?” 

Hammond sighed and clicked the remote. 

_Daniel was sitting on what looked like a decorative planter off to one side of the crowded reception room. Next to him sat a beautiful woman. She leaned forward as he spoke, intent on his every word. “…I speak over two dozen languages, not counting pig latin, Klingon or Elvish, of course.” Daniel laughed at his little joke._

_“How fascinating!” She touched him lightly on the forearm. “And how would you say ‘I am very attracted to you’ in – what did you call it? Gaelic?”_

_Daniel obligingly rattled it off for her._

_She scooted a little closer, their knees touching, her hand now lightly rubbing his back. “How do you say, ‘I want to see you naked’?”_

_Daniel rattled that off, too._

_She leaned in so that her lips were almost touching his ear, her bosom rubbed up against him, her arm wrapped around his waist. In a low sultry voice she whispered “And how would you say ‘I want to make sweet passionate love with you’?”_

_Daniel cheerfully translated for her. “Go ahead, give me any phrase. I can translate it into multiple languages if you like!”_

_She pulled back to look at him intently, then sighed and patted his knee. “Never mind” she said as she stood and walked away._

_The video showed encounter after encounter, each almost identical. Some of the phrases varied in wording, but not in kind. Through it all, Daniel got more and more excited by the amount of interest there was in linguistics. It felt so good to be around like-minded people!_

“See?” Daniel was clearly enthused “There’s both a need for and an interest in linguistics. The center I’m proposing should be a great success.” 

“Um, General Hammond…”

“Yes, Colonel O’Neill?”

“Um, Daniel said something about doing translations for quite a few of the men?”

Hammond sighed and hit the fast forward once more. 

_Daniel was in a different part of the room where there were chairs grouped together. He had just settled in what looked like a regular wingback chair when a large Jaffa with the bearing of a proud warrior came stalking up and sat in the chair next to Daniel. Taller and wider than Teal’c, the chair creaked alarmingly under his bulk. His shoulders were too wide to fit into the wings of the chair, so he had to sit hunched forward._

_“I hear you speak many languages, Tauri”_

_Daniel nodded happily. “Oh yes! I can speak and read over – “_

_“Then translate this into Tauri” The Jaffa leered at Daniel and rattled off a phrase._

In the briefing room, both of Teal’c’s eyebrows went straight up into his hairline. 

_On screen, Daniel tried to work out the translation. “Hmmmm….I haven’t heard that phrase before, but translated literally it seems to be suckle? ummm.. throbbing? Pulsing? Eel of passion? Suckling eel of throbbing passion?” The Jaffa started to smile knowingly at Daniel. “Was that the stuff in the big soup tureen on the buffet at lunch?”_

_The Jaffa’s face froze midway into the knowing smile. He blinked a few times, then sighed and patted Daniel on the knee. “Never mind”, he said gently and lumbered off leaving a faint trail of testosterone in his wake._

“My God, Daniel” exclaimed Sam. 

Daniel nodded excitedly at her. “I know! Who would have thought the Jaffa would like to do a recipe exchange? It’s a great way to get to know a foreign culture. I mean, eel is a popular dish in the United Kingdom though technically young eels wouldn’t be called ‘suckling’ since that term really only applies to young mammals, but….” Daniel trailed off as he noticed everyone staring at him. “What?”

“Daniel.”

“Yes, Jack?”

“ _Recipe_ exchange?”

“Well, sure. I mean, you saw the video. What else could it be?”

Jack blinked a few times then sighed and patted Daniel on the knee. “Never mind,” he said with a gentle smile. 

The room fell silent. Hammond sat with his elbows on the table and his head in his hands, one hand still clutching the remote. 

Jack cleared his throat. “General, sir. Isn’t this where you chew us out?”

Hammond stayed where he was for a few moments more then raised his head. “Look people. You have got to remember that when you are out there, you represent the entire planet. All I’m asking is that you behave like professionals. And if you can’t, well, for pete’s sake, destroy the evidence! I don’t ever want to get another video like this from the Archive Team, do you hear me?” 

There were nods, “yes sir’s” and one “I hear you quite clearly, General Hammond” from all around the table.

“Dismissed.”

Sam and Teal’c zipped down the stairs to the control room. Jack and Daniel wandered out the door near the General’s office. 

“So, Sam’s engaged to that two-timing heartbreaker Thor,” said Jack. “An October wedding should give her plenty of time to buy him some pants. Unless the wedding is going to be al fresco?”

“Au naturelle” 

“Oh, natural what?”

“What?”

“You said ‘Oh, natural’ then stopped.”

“Not ‘oh, natural’. Au naturelle.” Jack just stared at him. Daniel sighed. “You said ‘al fresco’. The phrase you were looking for is ‘au naturelle’.”

“Well why didn’t you say so?”

“I did!”

“When?!”

“Just now!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Not!” 

“Too!”

“Well, _I’m_ not going to any wedding naked.” 

“Trust me, Jack. No one will ask you to.”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” huffed a highly affronted Jack.

“Oh look!” Daniel pointed vaguely toward the corridor wall. “Something shiny!” 

Jack came to a dead stop. “What? Where?” Daniel walked faster. “Where, Daniel? I don’t see anything.” Daniel just kept walking.   
______

General Hammond closed the door to his office then sat at his desk. He stared unseeing at the papers on his desktop then slowly leaned down and smacked his forehead against it. 

*Thump*

SG-1 was his front line team.

*Thump*

These people were his best and brightest. 

*Thump*

These people were all that stood between the Earth and Total Subjugation By Weird   
Alien Parasites.

*THUMP*

Maybe, he thought, it would be a good idea to start learning Goa’uld.


End file.
